Everyone that I have met here is amazing, not gonna lie. I've had spats, and hurdles to jump, and some of them may not like each other (reasons not my business) but EVERY ONE of them is important to me. Each one have helped me in a different way, ways they may not even know. And they all have their own specialties. There will probably be a lot of 'Collections' by the time I feel like I've gotten everyone, and even then I will probably continue finding them. Damien gardens, and builds, and loves his baby so much it piurs out his pores (His garden was bigger than Randy's!) Randy gardens, makes some really badass salsa, and does this pretty cool burn technique thing to kayaks, Randy is also a boob guy so watch out ladies! Tony and his proffessor-ism, Travis and always being there for me when I don't know who else to turn to (like when he bailed me outta jail... lots almighty!) Corey, well, we discussed him already- thank god his sense of humor save's the day, then you have Avon Roger who can think outside the box (I believe he should have a medical marijuana card.. ), I can even say that Dan is the best at thinking outside the box... his line 'it can all be done' opens up eyes to what is really possible (ie: people saying 'No you can't move a gas line' Dan would say 'Why can't you?) Amber and her vinyls and huge ass heart ( her pups and grandbabies are really the way to her heart though) Renee always popping out of the wood work when least expected and saying 'Hey, I have an engraver... let's make bottle openers' (who also gardens, cleans, and loves tools more than any man I know ... that last part makes her pretty hot lol. Mike being ok with my techno music then bringing up Shaboozy and being extremely detailed when it comes to when and why something works or how to's, Josh's constant positive goodbyes to me, even though you can tell he's not feeling so very positive, Jose and his entrepreneurship and 800 businesses, even the older gentleman that used to come into my last employer to get a chocolate milk with a chocolate donut and chocolate frosting- he's honestly been the most impressive.... I recently saw him and he remembered what project I had been working on and asked about it. (Most the time, people don't 'hear' me...so yes, the most impressive by far. Then there's Lynn, who loves Japanese men but can clean up a yard like no one's business, Char, who I've only met a few times, but has the biggest smile ever, and from what I gather is the very best extreme couponer there is known to man. Then there is the local author whose way with words would floor the best of us. Rami and Deb, well, they need their own post. Theyve never judged, they are always willing to help, and are sensitive creatures. Tami is open minded and well rounded with beautiful stories and Deb has quite the musical history as well. And Michelle. Who thinks she's alone, but is just like the rest of us- shunned by men when they don't get their way only to look in the mirror and be way overly hard on ourselves, is super duper sweet and underestimates herself, but is one of the most amazing people here. She hunted me down just to give me insulation and from there our relationship bloomed. She has a huge heart, wears her heart on her sleeve, and would do just about anything for everyone. 

   I could keep going for days, but I've got to work on my water line project I've started for the umpteenth time. I just walked home from my friend Michelle's, who did her Thanksgiving today, and thought about all these amazing people and how me discovering who I am, has only happened because of them. And that I am happy I do have them, even though I push them away, I keep to myself, and sometimes say things differently than most.... they all would still open the door, answer the phone, fill a bucket of water for me. And for that, I love each and every one of them. 

   My entire time here I've had things held over my head. By not one but many people. I will get upset when it comes up, apalled I suppose, because how do they not remember, not know, not realize that I'm not used to living like this? By myself, without family, without my lifelong friends, without just about everything I knew? How do they not remember I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to be this poor, that I was the one that most people turned to for help of all sorts, that I had an open door policy due my upbringing and I would rarely turn someone down, that any one who walked thru my door had to make a plate, that there was always enough food for everyone? How do they not realize that I didn't pay my utilities so I could clothe a child that wasn't mine, multiple times? How don't they know that when I'm finally done, pushed as far as I can be pushed, that I won't look back. How do they not see that I'm smaller, not as tall, hands not as big, arms and legs not as long? That I don't know how to swallow my pride, that asking for help is something that I used to not be able to do? That before here, I was never 'alone' or ' by myself' ? That the different types of saws are not common sense to me, just as roux, base, or even binary code is not common sense to them? That my life consisted of 2nd and 3rd shift hours, that I suceeded and excelled the best when shit hit the fan (for reasons unknown to me). I've never had a hard time getting a job, I never had my utilities turned off (except one time for a mere day when my identity theft really let all the shit hit all the fans). 

   And then I remember, this too is my fault. The walls, the bricks so carefully placed to not fall, can not even be deciphered by me, the creator. Then I also remember that my beliefs, my values are not every one elses. And it is my fault, as well, that I am treated the way that I am. I've allowed it. I've put people on pedestals they may not have deserved, pedestals that they did not put me on, I've sat on the sidelines, patiently waiting and allowing. I didn't set boundaries, until it was too late. I didn't think of myself, until it was too late. And I didnt realize how far I had pushed, and had been pushed until it was too late. 

I lied. And that’s my biggest pet peeve. I didn’t even do it intentionally, or realize that I did it when I did, and I am still super pissed at myself. I would like to clarify a few things in my first post.

Not “everyone” dips out. A select few people have tried with their utmost efforts, to find the correct chisel to break down my super hero strength walls , to no avail. At the end of the day- I would friggin stop too. I mean- let’s think about this-

Me- I have gone thru hell and back enough times I could write as many novels as the entire Mommy Dearest series, Patterson might need to move over. So these bricks are pyramid worthy- no one knows how strong they are - or where they even came from.

“Select Few”- Yea, she’s cool. Ok - she can be hot if we look at the right angle. BUT after the 567,908,981 attempt to only get rejected and have some bitch be like “nah” …. Well .. we all know that thought. Fuck this.

So no- not everyone dips out. But I sure do push everyone away in my own screwed up way. I stay home and don’t venture far from my bubble- because to me this is my safe place.

And yesterday, I realized that this makes me sad. 

 So I'm not sure exactly how to do this so ya'll get to take part in the roller coaster with me. I'll apologize for all typos, grammar, and profanity now so I don't have to do it again. 

   You see-- I live in this bfe 2ft by 2ft square of a town. I used to think it was a cult- honestly. 6:59 pm you could be outside smoking, people bustling here and there- 7:00 strikes and POOF! They all vanish. It's seriously straight outta The Stepford Wives or something. But we will save that story for another post. 

   Anywhos- How I ended up here is important as well- BUT yet again- another post. ( Yea- I know- I'm a horrible person) and I will say that had I not ended up here- I probably wouldn't be alive today. My little experience in this small town has saved my life, and surprisingly enough is currently teaching me who I am. It's so crazy to think that at my age I don't know who I am - but think about--- I come from a "questonable upbringing", was a ward of the state by 12y, an early mom at the ripe old age of 18- (friggin babies having babies, ugh), and constantly trying to please everyone else but myself- how tf would I know who I am?

   I have a handyman home here. The story is it was on fire the year I got it. I shoveled that proof into an industrial dumpster, filled in 2 days. (I did have some help doing that- we'll get to that one later too, bwahahaha) I've done a lot of work- but not enough. I've had some help, but not consistent. I've hurt myself, I've cried, I've sweat ( not like we do ladies- it was awful!) I've also learned- slowly though- I'm stubborn ya know, I'm the best electrician I know, and I have out-muscled grown men-all 5'1 and 98lbs of me in fact! I've had some great teachers, some not so great teachers, and a lot of help kinda dips out when they realize I don't keep a jar of blow jobs in my back pocket. Asses, I know, but I'm used to it, and some of 'em you can't help but love. (There's a lot of stories here folks- I'm telling ya- you better wear your seat belt) 

   But mostly, my last self help session, Dr. Phil-ing myself, taught me that I'm at the stand still that I am, with all my unfinished projects and bullshit laying everywhere, because when I actually finish one- it makes this my home. Not with my children, or my family, not where I know or a used to, but here, where I spend 90% of my time by myself, amongst people I don't really know, and the ones I do know and have let in - well - I'm not ready for those stories yet.  Where I don't really "have" anyone, no affection, no daily call to complain about so and so and her bf or the neighbor's dog, nada. There isn't even Thai food here!!! 

Yet I finished a project today. 

And for the first time in my life- I have a home of my own now, not the kids' home, or a boyfriends' home, but mine. And It's weird.